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the kids

September 2008

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the kids

So, if God is answering my prayers...

Why am I so terrified? On Monday, I put in a formal request at work to return to part time employment. We are moving and will have more money at our disposal with Tsi's job now, and the kids really need me at home. This is what I've wanted, to be able to stay home at least part of the time. So why am I so scared? I guess I know why; letting go of control is terrifying. So many wonderful things have happened in my life; we have a car without a car payment so we can get the other cars paid off sooner, we are moving to Bennington to Tsi's childhood home and acquiring that house from his mother, Tsion has a full-time, decent paying job with benefits...and yet, I'm terrified. I so hate releasing control, and I'm so afraid something awful is going to happen and that we made the wrong decision. I'm not sure what to do at this point...I could use prayers or some words of wisdom, if anyone has any to spare...


Because sometimes gifts are so perfect that they scare us. Being the object of love so powerful that it meets our needs and even our dreams is uncomfortable. We like to have a feeling of equality in a relationship, that there is a mutual exchange so that things are "fair." We also know our own limitations, and very few of us are willing to give 100% all the time with nothing held back. If we know that we're not giving everything that we have and that we are, it's very awkward to receive a gift that is so much more than what we've given. Even if you're working really hard to be a good Christian and trying the best that you can, when God comes along and gives you all of what you need and then some, you see how very small your all is compared to what God has given. It's harder to learn to accept love sometimes than it is to learn to give love. Accepting love ultimately requires more humility.

It's hard to walk by faith, particularly when you've been burned badly in the past by people you should have been able to trust. It's hard to have trust and hope when you've grown used to things not working out. I'm in not too different a place right now. I'm absolutely stunned that after so many years of struggle, we're finally getting to where we should have been before and things are more perfect than I would have imagined. God's generosity was always there, even when I couldn't see it, leading us to exactly this juncture where we are all finally ready to move to the next phase of our lives. You aren't making the wrong decisions. I will pray that God gives you the peace and joy that you deserve during this wonderful time of your life. :-)

PS. We get to Albany August 27. :-)
Thanks. I also think selfishness on my part plays a role. I'm afraid of the idea of sacrificing; I'm afraid that the hours I'm working won't be enough. I'm afraid I won't be a good housewife and that the house will still be an absolute mess all of the time. I just don't know...

P.S.- When you get settled in Albany, we need to get together. I want to meet the new little one. Btw, did I tell you we are getting our marriage convalidated in October?
ok, first, holy crap i had no idea you amde a new LJ, and ive been sitting here wondering why you never post. now i know why.

id comment on the post but im going to go ahead and assume im too late. however i do think about you all the time and im glad i realized you made a new LJ.